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My Life in Ink – JoAnne Hancock

My Life in Ink – JoAnne Hancock

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Dear Pastor…

11 Saturday Oct 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in Series

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calling, credentials, infidelity, marriage, ordination, parsonage, pastor, pastor appreciation, preach, Shepherd

Dear Pastor

Dear Pastor,

It’s October, a month set aside to honor sweet hearts and pastors.  Recently, my thoughts have been turned toward how the two can and should go together.  Here is my heart shared with you.

My dad and my father-in-law were pastors.  My husband is a pastor.  I have four brothers who are pastors.  Add to that the long list of other family members and friends who are pastors and you can see that I have some understanding of you and your call.

I value you.  I respect the role you have played in my spiritual development.  I am grateful for how you cared for my family when sickness, surgery and death visited us. I’m thankful you know how to laugh with us.

I have spent my life in the parsonage witnessing the following:

1)  Yours is a demanding and difficult calling.  When I was a kid, being the pastor meant you were highly regarded simply because you were the pastor.  Those days of respecting you just because you are God’s called are gone.  Our Catholic brothers and sisters seem to still have a handle on this, but I don’t see it in many other places.  I don’t know when it happened.  I don’t know why it happened.  I’m just sorry it happened and that you are simply seen as “one of the gang” as you proclaim God’s word on any given Sunday.  Because we see you as “one of the gang,” the word that God has given you often means no more than the words spoken by the person sitting next to us.  Maybe it’s partly your fault.  Even so, we have gotten very lazy in our treatment of you.  We need to be reminded that you are our Shepherd and, as such, you are anointed and we are called to do you no harm.  (Psalm 105:15)

We also need to be reminded that what you say will not always be popular and it’s then that you most need our support.   “I solemnly charge you…preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction.  For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires; and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths.  But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”  II Timothy 4:1-5  (NAS)  It’s official, rightly dividing the word is not for sissies.
Preach the WordSide note to the layman reading this letter:  Yes I know we have some clergy standing in pulpits who need to be confronted.  I’m sorry about that too but point #1 is not intended for them.

2)  Yours can often be a delightful calling.  I have loved most of the days in the parsonages I have lived in and visited.  On percentages, our experiences are above average.  Yes, I’ve seen and experienced the ugly – the hurt people who have a need to hurt others, but they are the minority.  Unfortunately, they are also the loudest.  That truth aside, loving people and getting into the trenches of life with them is very rewarding.  They love you for being present in their difficulty.  I know that because you were there for me.  You become family to so many.

3)  Yours seems to be an increasingly dangerous calling.  And here is where my heart breaks open…

I am sitting in a lanai looking at the Gulf of Mexico as I write this.  I lost both of my in-laws in the last year.  They had been married 67 years before mom passed away.  And what a story of love they lived!  (My parents left me an identical legacy over 59 years.)

About thirty years ago mom bought a week at a time share on Sanibel Island.  Her reasons were two-fold: 1) She wanted a place to get away with her husband…a place that helped eliminate the “where shall we go this year?” decision.  2) She wanted a place where she could invite one of her children along with their spouse every year because she knew first-hand the need for pastors to get away with their spouse.  She recognized the danger zones if time away together was not experienced.  She was a woman who mostly minded her own business when it came to her children but, when it came to honoring our marriages and our spouses, she was quick to speak and always spoke with great, gentle wisdom.

So, here I sit.  It’s the first year they are both gone and it is our turn.
IMG_1769The beach is about 50 yards away and from here I can see the palm canopy that was erected this afternoon.  In about fifteen minutes a young couple is going to stand in front of the great expanse called The Gulf of Mexico and pledge their lives and love to each other.  I’m guessing they will mean it.  I have never seen a more beautiful sanctuary.
IMG_1773About six weeks ago I answered the phone at home to find an unexpected job offer.  I really wasn’t ready to start working although it was on my “to do” list for the first of the year.  After being out of the formal work place for twenty years, I recognized it as the gift from God’s hand that it is.  The following day, I reported for duty.

I’m working in an office that oversees about 135 churches.  Outside of my very rusty technological skills, the job is right up my alley.  I love pastors.  They matter to me.  I have an unavoidable soft spot for them in my heart.

The crazy preparation for our annual meeting has not yet begun so we are currently working on back burner jobs.  One of my assignments is to begin digitizing the room filled with files.  My instructions were to begin with the judicial files.  And so I have.

Judicial files are those which often include a copy of someone’s credentials; sacred credentials that have been surrendered out of necessity.  Not always, but most often, these are stories of marital unfaithfulness and brokenness…with you, the pastor.  I know you are human but it still breaks my heart to look at the very long lateral drawer that is stuffed full of names like yours.

And I wonder where it went wrong…where you went from this sweet couple exchanging vows on the beach to a file of brokenness housed in a drawer.

Went from receiving a marriage certificate to losing an ordination certificate.

I know enough to know that was never your intention.
ordinationMaybe it started when you bought into the philosophy that you are “one of the gang.”  You aren’t you know.  Stop trying to be.

Several years ago a friend of mine lamented that pastors really don’t have a higher calling than anyone else.  Her belief is that we are all called equally.  And she’s partly right.  She used Ephesians 4:11-12 as her point of argument.  “It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up…”  Her reasoning was that since all are mentioned on equal ground, all must be equal.

As you know, she was also largely wrong and this is where you can never decide that you are just “part of the gang.”  Like it or not, you are held to a higher standard.  There is scriptural backing for this all throughout The Story.  There is also common sense backing.  If my dentist chooses (and that’s exactly what it is) to be unfaithful to his wife, guess what?   Tomorrow he will still be my dentist.  I may not want him drilling my teeth tomorrow but, if he’s the best dentist, I’ll go back.  If you make the same choice?  Tomorrow you are no longer my pastor.  Not only that, you will have left a path of destruction behind.
no-higher-calling-1-638So pastor, how are you handling your sacred certificate?  You really do have to accept that your calling is demanding and difficult.  You get to rejoice over the fact that your calling is delightful.  But dangerous?  It’s your choice.  As I say often to my daughter, MAKE GOOD CHOICES!

In case you didn’t know, one of the greatest gifts you can give your congregation is for them to witness that you are crazy about your wife.  Love her.  Don’t belittle her ever and especially in public.  Make time for her even if it means disappointing someone at church.
IMG_1771“Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!  Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.  Never take her love for granted!  Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills…?”  Proverbs 5:18-20 (MSG)

GREAT QUESTION – Why would you?  Please don’t.

Respectfully and prayerfully yours,

JoAnne

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The Bachelor Party

12 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in Series

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The longer I live, the more interested I am in speaking the truth in love.  I have come to believe that it’s the closest thing I can do to imitate a God who both loves and disciplines us.  The two are not mutually exclusive.  In fact, loving someone means that you WILL speak the truth; you simply speak it without sarcasm or anger.  And you trust that the hearer knows just how much you love them.

And so here we are.  I’m ready to write about something that has bothered me for more than ten years.  And I know it will be met with some heavy defense.  I have to write it anyway because I believe it to be truth and sometimes I simply have to stand publicly for truth.  Even when it isn’t popular.

The Bachelor Party

It was ten years ago, maybe a little more, when I viewed my first episode of “The Bachelor.”  TV reality series were all the rage and this was the latest and, according to ratings, the greatest.

Only it wasn’t.  So I turned it off.  Somewhere in the deep of me it felt wrong to leave it on in my home.  It just didn’t go with our “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord” wall plaque.

A few years passed and I saw a social media post announcing a “Bachelor Party” at the home of a friend that evening.  The women were to come in pajamas, bring snacks and watch what is apparently “reality” together.  A party.

Because I admired those hosting and attending the party I decided that the show must have gone through a cleansing of some sort.  I knew those women did not live the life style portrayed on the show I had seen a few years earlier.  So I decided to watch it again…to see what I was missing.  I wasn’t missing anything.  The show had not changed.  If anything, it was worse.  And I felt sick.

So what is the truth that I must speak in love with season 19 looming on the horizon?

1)  Truth:  Jesus would not attend “The Bachelor” party with me.  That statement needs no explanation.  It’s simply truth.

2)  Truth:  I dishonor my husband when I live vicariously through “The Bachelor.”  I don’t know how I can expect Tim to be true to me in what he chooses to look at when I refuse to honor him in the same way.  And this is where women get in trouble.  We love romance and there is nothing wrong with that.  We were made for emotional engagement.  But we were never intended to be reckless in the fulfillment of that need.  Living a fantasy through what we read and/or watch can really have the same effect on our marriage as when a husband chooses to view pornography.  It simply brings us to a place of discontentment.  And no one wins there.

I wonder what would happen in our homes if the time spent fantasizing with “The Bachelor” was instead invested in date nights with our spouse?

3)  Truth:  Watching “The Bachelor” tells my daughter that it’s okay with me if she chooses to “try out” her dates.  What a travesty to spend so much time training her up in the way she should go only to completely contradict that teaching through careless entertainment choices.  Everything I have known of women and girls who “try out” their dates behind the closed doors of a bedroom only leads to heartache and pain.  I want so much more than that for her.  True, she will make her own choices, but I don’t want what comes through the box in our home to contribute to her desensitizing.  There are enough places she will fight that without adding our safe family room to the list.

4)  Truth:  Attending a bachelor party with my girlfriends, dressed in my jammies with a bowl of popcorn on my lap simply tells those friends that I have bought into the world’s definition of love.  And that I find it entertaining.  I haven’t and I don’t.  I still believe there are young men and women who save themselves for their marriage partner…on purpose.  And I believe they have great freedom from regret in the bedroom when they do marry.

And there you have it.  The other side of my “Secrets in the Sanctuary and Even Behind the Sacred Desk” blog.  The most disturbing part of this epidemic for me is that there is nothing secret about it.  It lives in wide open places.  Invitations are made on social media.  Some of the parties are even church parties.  And it doesn’t seem we even pause to consider what we are endorsing…nor does it matter that we have become completely desensitized.

And so, it is with lots of love that I quote (for you and for myself):

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about (and watch) such things.”  Philippians 4:8

THAT should be our standard.

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The Secret in the Sanctuary and Even Behind the Sacred Desk

08 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in Series

≈ 7 Comments

Early in our marriage, Tim told me about a memorable walk home from school when he was just 12 years old.  As he passed through the playground housed between the school and his home, he noticed something laying in the ditch.  Picking up that trash provided his first encounter with Playboy Magazine.  I have never forgotten what he told me that day.  He said, “JoAnne, if I close my eyes I can still see that centerfold just as if I had seen it ten minutes ago.”  It’s the closest I ever came to understanding the eyes of a man.  Women just aren’t made to see it that way.

During my second year of college, I shared a wing of 2 West with a group of my now life-long friends. Some of us were quiet and conservative and some of us were loud and not so conservative.  And we were all fun.  One morning our portion of the hallway woke up to a prank from one of us who fell in the “not so conservative” category.  She had slid a page from Playgirl Magazine under each of our doors.  It was my first encounter with the magazine and if I close my eyes today…..I’ve got nothin’.  In fact, if I had closed my eyes ten minutes after seeing the picture I’d have had nothin’.  Men don’t understand that because they just aren’t made to see it that way.

And in this area of life, I’m simply thankful to be a woman.

The temptation, the 21st century availability, the lack of modesty in women in general all combine to nearly defeat a man before he can even get out of bed in the morning.

But that’s where my pity for you ends…because you are big boys….and big boys can act responsibly regardless of your “needs;” especially if you claim Christ.  Or can you?  Or maybe the question is “can you be expected to when it has become our epidemic secret?”

For whatever reason we in the church have chosen to ignore the secret; the very secret that lives in sanctuaries and parsonages.  The secret that is destroying marriages.  The secret that is objectifying women.  The secret that causes men to live under horrendous guilt.  The secret that sends families into bankruptcy.  The secret that drives up the rates of rape and abuse. The secret that I believe is responsible for a lot of what is wrong in America today.

The secret.  And therein lies the problem…

If it’s a secret, we certainly won’t hear about it from our pulpits.
If it’s a secret, we certainly won’t seek counsel.
If it’s a secret, men certainly won’t enlist an accountability partner.
If it’s a secret, wives certainly won’t ask their husbands if they are struggling in this area.

If it’s a secret…..then satan has the church exactly where he wants her.  For, if it can be kept secret, the men will continue in the secret and be kept weak.  And if the men are kept weak, the Lord will have no one upon whom to build His church.  Read it for yourself.  Men; real men, strong men, human men, sensitive men – they were the ones that Jesus was using to build His church.  And when the eyes of our men – those eyes that lead directly to their souls –  are used for a perverted version of what God called beautiful, that perversion steals the effectiveness of those men.

I can only really speak for myself when I say:

Husbands – I need you to be faithful men.
Male Pastors – I need you to be spotless and courageous men.
Young men who date my daughter – I need you to be strong, true men.

Without even realizing what he was doing, Tim threw open the door in our marriage when he told me his playground/Playboy story.  Because once I understood more of how his mind works, I have known to ask him often about where his eyes rest.  It was a huge relief to me that the door was wide open for discussion during those years he spent on the road, mostly alone.  Thankfully, I have been spared the grief of this epidemic in my own home and I don’t ever want to forget to be thankful.

Wives, my advice to you is this: ask your husbands if they are struggling and get help if it’s needed.
Husbands, my advice to you is this: answer honestly and trust your wife’s instincts…always.

Stop the secret and you will stop satan both in your home and in the church.  I dare you.

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