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My Life in Ink – JoAnne Hancock

My Life in Ink – JoAnne Hancock

Category Archives: We Are Our Stories

Our Journey to Lake Gibson Church

27 Monday Aug 2018

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

change, God's ways, Jeremiah 29:11, moving, parents, pastors, treasures

It’s been a while since I have written a blog. When the life lessons I am learning include a story that is not mine to tell, I cease telling my stories. As a result, I have been “missing in action” from My Life in Ink. But…I’m baaack!

Tim and I have spent nearly 5 years in beautiful Winter Haven, Florida; the home of spectacular lakes & skies, Andy’s Igloo…

Winter Haven 2
Winter Haven 1

…and beautiful people we have learned to love like family. These have been some of our best years.

About a year ago, we learned that our pastor would be retiring. Since Tim is a staff member, we knew that meant change for us. It’s how our church polity is written and we have been around long enough to know that it is often for good reason.

I am wired to feel angst every time there is change. It’s a gift my mother gave me. My friend, Chawn, has moved to India twice and embraced the opportunity both times. I’ve often wished I had more of that in me. I don’t.

As the year progressed, we had opportunity to consider moves to Texas, Tennessee, Arizona and staying here after all. Each one of those had things that enticed us. Some had things that scared us silly. All were prayed over.

What took us most by surprise was a call in July asking Tim if he would interview at a church in Lakeland, FL. Because we had decided that we would walk through any door God opened, Tim said yes. A couple of weeks later, we met with a search committee comprised of five people. The connection and comfort I felt was immediate…a bit of a shock given my introverted nature. The interview went well and they invited us back to meet with their church board a week later.

If you know us at all, you know that our parents are heroes to us. Three of them have gone to heaven. Their prayers over us and love for us are so often missed. Tim and I lamented on several occasions that we wished our dads were around to give us guidance as we sought to hear God’s plan for our future. God was always so faithful to speak through these two Godly men.

Dad Merki
Dad Merki
Dad Hancock
Dad Hancock

My in-laws were lovers of Florida. They came here on vacations, owned a time-share on Sanibel Island and became residents within minutes of retiring. The sun, the beach, the golf course all spoke to John and Venita.

My parents, on the other hand, never felt the draw. They both like(d) the sun, but they also like(d) the beauty of a crisp fall and a snowy winter. (I have no idea how I came out of a winter-loving home.) The heat and humidity? Dreadful in their book and not worth any of the good trade-offs. I remember one vacation to Florida. Otherwise, we saw the beloved ocean from the Jersey shore, close to their eastern PA roots.

My mornings include a commute. It’s a daily opportunity to talk to my sweet mom. The day before our board interview, she was telling me that her vision had been blurry the day before and it was causing her trouble as she tried to read her Bible. She remembered that my dad had had a large-print Bible so she looked until it was found.

You never know what you might find inside a pastor’s Bible. Tim’s dad wrote all over his Bibles. They are fascinating treasures. My dad, on the other hand, wrote on papers that he left in his Bibles.

That morning my mom stumbled onto several message outlines in my dad’s unmistakable handwriting. They were from the early 1990’s. She decided that she would have devotions with dad that day and began reading through his notes.

My dad never watered down the gospel. He preached the truth of God’s word without apology. Sometimes, it didn’t make him very popular; but, he was always very loved. I believe that deep down we want and need to hear truth. I’m sure it did not surprise my mom to read that dad chose to share from Ephesians 2:15. “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. NEB ‘rightly dividing’ translated ‘driving a straight furrow in your proclamation of truth.’ The Apostle is concerned that God’s word be subjected to sound exegesis, that its correct meaning be properly ascertained.” That was my dad. And that is also my husband; he isn’t afraid to preach unpopular truth. I love him for that.

What did surprise my mom was what her eyes fell on in the bottom left corner of the page from which she was reading.

Dad's writing

Mom told me that she had never heard of this church before I told her about it four weeks earlier. There could only be one explanation of this coming from the pen of the man who didn’t even like Florida much; he had to have known the pastor at that time…only he didn’t. I checked with that pastor.

And, so, I am left with this:

plans

Some things can never be explained and those are often the best things. They are simply “God things.” We are headed to a church that has experienced fresh wounding. I don’t just claim the words of my dad’s pen, from heaven to earth, for Tim and me. I claim them for a precious congregation that we are about to love. I also don’t just claim the words of the Lord to Jeremiah for us; I claim them for a church in North Lakeland who needs the beautiful promise of hope and a future.

Tim’s sister and brother-in-law live in South Lakeland. Every now and then, when we meet them for dinner, we let Dave choose where we will eat. The first time he suggested the hole-in-the-wall BBQ, “Red Top Pit Stop,” we thought it sounded like a good idea. A new place. An adventure. It’s in North Lakeland. As Tim and I drove and drove and drove to get there, I said to him, “Who in the world lives clear up here!” Well….guess what…we’ll leave the light on for you!

Red Top Pit Stop

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I am Redeemed

07 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 3 Comments

Today has been a kitchen day for me. My husband is sick and I have a district meeting tomorrow so I simply decided to bake for some of my favorite people…pastors.

baking

My mom spent a lot of days in the kitchen when I was growing up. She has been on my mind all day. I even had a few questions for her and felt so much gratitude that I could still pick up the phone and call her. Sure, google was available to me, but I’ve learned that Mrs. Google is neither as smart nor as wise as Mrs. Merki. Plus I just like to talk to her.
mom
I wonder why it is that we rarely recognize the wisdom of our parents until we are nearly 30 years old? How I wish I had not wasted some good years thinking that I knew everything.

Silence is my friend. The tv was not on today. There was no music playing. It was a day for thinking and I thought a lot about my mom. Here is what I thought about…

  1. I’m thankful I still have my mom. In the last 10 days, 3 of our pastors and our 21 year old office receptionist all lost a parent. It’s been a sobering reminder to be grateful for what I have. I don’t want my mom to have to bury me; she’s been there and done that with 2 children. That is enough. That said, I don’t look forward to the day I have to say goodbye to her. I talk to her nearly every day; it’s part of the fabric of my day.
  2. I’m thankful that, one day, my mom chose redemption. She grew up in a home with a mom, a sister and an alcoholic father. Life was difficult. When mom was a teenager, she and my dad chose Jesus. That choice changed everything. Mom’s sister made the same choice. Their choice to marry well, led to 8 children and 17 grandchildren. Ultimately, it led to my redemption.I am redeemed

Earlier this week, I saw a post where an older gentleman of faith questioned the validity of current redemption stories. I’m pretty sure it offended me because I am a product of several redemption stories and I don’t believe for a minute that these stories are obsolete.

My primary prayer moving into 2018 is that the Tim Hancock family will have generations of redemption stories. “Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23:6

 

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Sleep In Heavenly Peace

25 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

celebration, Christmas grief, God's grace, hope, Silent Night

I’m still really new to this blogging thing.  “My Life in Ink” is still taking shape.  I write when I am inspired.  I’m pretty silent otherwise.  And I am very well aware that I’m not the only person who writes.  This morning I woke up to a blog that my friend Michelle Prater Henrickson wrote.  Her sweet daddy went to heaven two days ago and what she had to say resonated with me to the point that I had to ask her if she would be my blog guest today.  She has consented.

The Hancock family had empty seats at the table today.  We shed some tears as we shared memories.  But, as Michelle reminded me this morning, we also have great cause to celebrate for Jesus has come.

Enjoy my friend Michelle this evening.  I’m pretty speechless in the shadow of her raw honesty today.  I love you Michelle.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jenn, all the “littles” and your precious mom tonight.

Rev. Prater

Silent Night
Holy Night
All is calm
All is bright.

A couple weeks ago I had been wrestling with how those in the throes of grief can still feel celebratory toward Christmas. It was difficult for me to wrap my brain around, but I persisted in this thought. I’ve had enough distance from the time of losing Melissa that my heartache isn’t nearly as raw and exposed as some others I know facing loss of some kind.

I know of a family…..a beautiful family…..that nearly three months ago laid their beautiful healthy three year old down for a nap. This son, grandson, brother, and nephew never woke up again. I cannot fathom their loss. Yet, these are people of immense faith. Some of the greats if you will. They forge onward. Trusting. Believing.

Just this last week a friend from my college days said a sorrowful goodbye to his thirty-eight year old bride after an oh so brief battle with cancer. This couple is by no means ordinary. They are in fact, extraordinary. In their walk, talk, and big life view. They *get* it. Although I’d been forced to *get* it a few years ago when I saw three little ones and a heartbroken Daddy & husband say goodbye to their beloved, my sister, I was challenged by this couple, Mark and Rebecca. So very challenged.

Kevin, Ki, and I were invited to a Christmas concert recently where Lincoln Brewster and an all black children’s’ choir from Chicago sang. We literally rocked out to some sweet Christmas tunes. It was in that moment that night, as I found myself wishing I could lose myself in a crowd of black people who knew how to freely get their worship on…..it was in that moment as I danced and sang “Joy to the World” and “Do You Hear What I Hear” that I GOT IT.

THIS. THIS. THIS is why the grieving can celebrate. This is why the mournful can dance. Because Love came into a darkened world. A glorious God who was full of mercy gave his Son. This. Yes. This. I needed that connection I made that night. I would call upon its truth this week. As we left the concert that evening, I told Kevin and Ki that I wish I had been more inconspicuous so that I could’ve freely responded to the way the music moved me. Kevin laughed and said that it didn’t seem I was holding back. Smile. Baby steps.

Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright.

I came home to my precious Mother tonight for the first time since Dad left this world and went home to the place where his faith has been made sight. I held her in my arms. We’re all cried out for now. The well of tears that seemed so plentiful seems to be at a scarce supply for the time being. I MISS my Dad. He’s not even been gone from this world for forty-eight hours and I miss him desperately.

But, I will celebrate the Great Hope of this season. I would fail myself if I didn’t. I would be remiss. This Season is the crux of my belief system. It’s the reason I can stand and walk forward. I won’t overlook the truth it brings simply because I am wrought with sadness or even despair. In fact, I will delve more deeply into its vast supply of hope and promises.

“All is well, all is well
Let there be peace on earth
Christ is come go and tell
That He is in the manger.”

The babe is in the manger, folks!!! The Son of God is lying in the manger. Because of that, all is well. Indeed, it is. What an immense hope we have.

Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace.

Merry Christmas, friends!!!

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5 Things My Father Taught Me About Christmas

21 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Brown Butter Cookies, Christ Child, Christmas, Christmas Communion, Christmas Eve Service, Dad, Sacred, Santa, Wonder

Two years ago, in the month of December, my dad went to be with Jesus.  It was a day he dreamed about and spoke of often.  We could do nothing but celebrate his safe arrival in heaven.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt seemed so fitting that he would join Jesus in December because my dad was one of the world’s best celebrators of Christmas.  I have lots of memories of Christmas…the decorating of trees, the consumption of cookies, the houses filled with laymen and their families around dinner tables, the driving through neighborhoods looking at light displays, the sacred Christmas Eve services, the family reading of the Christmas story before we opened a single gift, the music, the selection of the perfect gift…you get the picture.  He loved Christmas.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve been thinking this week about the greatest lessons he taught me in the 52 years I had the privilege of celebrating with him in some form or another.  These are the things I will never get past at this time of year:

1)  There is always fresh wonder in the story.  Always.  Every year.  Without exception.  Wonder.  It was one of his favorite words.  The story that a baby wrapped in flesh would come into our mess in order to save us from ourselves?  How can that not be filled with wonder?  My dad knew it and he communicated it with conviction.
wonderMaybe my favorite Christmas ever was a Sunday Christmas.  Dad was pastoring in Baltimore, MD at that time.  I will never forget his message on that December 25; “He is here, hallelujah!”  Dad would preach a point and then have the congregation sing a chorus of “He is here, hallelujah!”  By the second singing of the chorus, the congregation began to come to their feet.  Wonder had entered the room and remaining in our seats was not an option.  To use another one of dad’s words; he was “befuddled” by the response, but finished out a masterful and meaningful sermon to a standing congregation.  I have looked forward to every Sunday Christmas since that day. Wonder just may show up on the scene again and I don’t want to miss that!

2)  Christmas Eve candlelight communion at eight.  If my dad was ever your pastor, you know about this annual service.  It was sacred.
lightbox_christmascandlelightDad knew outstanding music when he heard it and he was a lover of outstanding music.  For thirty minutes every Christmas Eve, we heard outstanding, sacred music.  I remember harps, flutes, trumpets, trombones, pianos, organs, vocalists – all who played and sang until I thought heaven had come to earth.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Following the prelude, we had a sixty minute service that included more music, scripture reading, a short devotional and communion – all in a sanctuary solely lit by candles.  Our instructions were to enter the sanctuary in silence and to stay that way until the end of the service when the lights were thrown on and “Joy to the World” was proclaimed.  Babies and toddlers were well cared for in nurseries.  It was sacred.

My favorite Christmas Eve ever was also in Baltimore, MD.  Like many Christmas Eves, we were packed in like sardines.  The drunken man who stumbled in off of the street chose to squeeze in beside me.  Some folks have all the luck.  He didn’t smell so good.  He didn’t sing so good.  He even asked me why we were there.  He didn’t know the rules about talking.  And then he settled in and I could feel the tension leave his body.  I have no idea what became of him but I do know that for ninety minutes on a Christmas Eve in Baltimore, MD, he experienced sacred.  He disappeared as quickly as he appeared.

3)  Communion has a place in our celebration of Christmas.  A Christmas never went by that I didn’t hear my dad say, “Christmas and Easter are but the morning and evening of the very same day.”  Let that one sink in for a while.  It’s the wonder thing making another appearance.  When looked at through that lens, communion becomes as natural at Christmas as it is at Easter.  Jesus really did come to die.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA4)  There is room for the secular at Christmas.  My parents did Christmas well.  Not over-the-top-spending-crazy-money well but, rather, building tradition and memories well.  And Santa was a part of our Christmases.
SantaDad was my first and best Santa.  He taught me that Christmas is about the giving of gifts and it started with God’s gift.  We were never allowed to tear into the gifts.  One at a time – that’s how we opened gifts even as kids.  We learned to GIVE the gift and enjoy the excitement of the recipient.  For one thing, we didn’t have that many gifts and this made the exchange last longer.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI know there is controversy in the whole Santa/Jesus combination and every family has to do what they feel is right for them.  I’m just glad we did Santa.  It has left me with lots of happy memories of my dad.  And I never once felt lied to.  Kris Kringle (Christkind) was a saint after all.  What would have made me feel lied to would have been a dad who did not keep his vows to my mom or parents who spent money they didn’t have at Christmas ushering in an annual January filled with stress and anger or parents who claimed Christ at church and then sliced everyone up as soon as we were in the car headed home.   Those would have been the lies that changed my belief in Jesus.

5)  The cookies.  Dad’s favorite cookies.  The cookies his 4 kids eat as if there is no caloric content.  The ones that melt in your mouth.  The ones the grandkids are now making in their own homes.  Try ‘em, you’ll like ‘em.
Dad's favorite cookiesFilled Butter Cookies aka “Paul’s Favorite Christmas Cookies”
Cream:  1 pound butter
Add:  1 ½ cups brown sugar
Blend in:  2 unbeaten egg yolks
Add:  4 ½ cups flour

Mix until a dough forms.  Chill for easier handling.  Shape into balls about the size of a marble.  Place on ungreased cookie sheet.  Flatten to 1/8”.  Bake @ 375 for 7-10 minutes, depending on size.

Browned Butter Frosting Filling
Brown slightly:  4 Tbsp. butter.  Remove from heat.
Blend in:  2 ½ cups powdered sugar
Gradually add:  3-4 Tbsp. cream and 1 tsp. vanilla

Put between 2 cookies.  Makes about 4 ½ dozen.

Thanks dad (and mom) for all of the memories you gave me of Christmas.  Thanks for teaching me about the Christ child.  Thanks for teaching me that it really is more fun to give than to receive.  Thanks for teaching me that HIS life can change MY life.  Thanks for recognizing great music and enjoying good cookies.  Thanks for defining “wonder.”

Merry Christmas.  I love you.
Luke 2.11

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Dear Bald Female…You.are.Beautiful

05 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Alopecia Areata, bald female, Beauty, Breast Cancer, Cancer, It's Just Hair, My hair does not define me

It’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly five years since our thirteen year old Abi came home from school with concern that a friend had noticed a bald spot on the crown of her head.  I suggested she loosen her basketball pony tail.
scan0008It was only a few short weeks until we realized that we were dealing with an autoimmune disease called alopecia areata.  Abi’s immune system had decided that her hair was some sort of enemy causing her hair follicles to release the hair.  The reality that our teenage daughter was headed for baldness placed me on a road that has held my greatest grief and my greatest blessings.

There are several reasons for female baldness, some of them with much more serious underlying causes than others.  This letter to you is not about what caused your baldness.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t pretend to understand your journey.  I won’t even write FOR my Abi so I certainly wouldn’t presume to write for you.  I can only tell you what I have learned along the way in hopes that some of what I have learned may comfort you.

Watching Abi lose her hair grieved me more than anything in my life to this point.  It is my second greatest regret in my parenting of her.  I was a mess…for a long time.  Depression and grief settled over me like storm clouds in the Florida summer.  Just about the time I felt like I could breathe, another storm came.  And another.  And another.
storm cloudsAdding to my grief were well-meaning friends who questioned whether some of our parental decisions contributed to her hair loss.  Really?  It was during these days that Job 13:5 became my life verse.  You can make it yours if you need to.  It’s a good one.
Job 13 5It felt like my tears could have filled oceans.  I begged God to heal Abi.  All night long I begged Him.  I spent days and nights combing the internet for understanding, for cures, for specialists.  I made appointments with those specialists; specialists who suspected she may be pulling her hair out, specialists who took biopsies from her scalp, specialists who placed multiple injections into her scalp, specialists who really didn’t understand alopecia areata any better than I.

We then found several resources for hair pieces.  The learning curve with wigs was extensive.   Abi did finally get it conquered, but it was never something she preferred.  Either the tape was messy or the lace was too loose or the vacuum gave her headaches.  So she moved to cute bandanas.  And then to bald.
Hancock-10 senior IMG_1497That’s the day I realized how stunningly beautiful she is.  She had nothing to hide behind.  Her eyes became more beautiful.  Her smile lit up the room.  She carried a confidence that very few women possess.  I sure don’t.  And it’s all pure beauty.

I began realizing that when I encountered a bald woman I was studying her beauty.  And it’s true of you if you are bald.  You.are.beautiful.  It’s one of the most consistent thoughts I have.

You may never be comfortable walking out in public bald.  It’s okay.  Just know this; you are still beautiful even if you only choose to be bald in private places.  Beauty is beauty wherever it is displayed.

Or you may be like Lindsey.

Lindsey’s mom was mostly an acquaintance in college; an acquaintance who has become a treasured friend.  Cheryl saw my early, vague posts about Abi and privately asked if Abi had alopecia.  I learned that Lindsey’s alopecia surfaced when she was just eighteen months old.  And Lindsey spent every day covering her head with hair…until she gave birth to a beautiful daughter of her own.  That event made Lindsey realize her true beauty.  For Lindsey it became about being exactly who she is so that she can teach her daughter to grow and be exactly who she is.  There is beauty all over that.  Not right or wrong, just beauty.
Lindsey preg
LindseyOr you may decide to be like our Abi.  Just out there.  She often says, “My hair does not define me.”  And she lives that.  Jesus defines her.  Let’s talk about beauty! 

So here it is in a nutshell.  No woman ever really believes the “It’s just hair” line. (No pun intended.)  It isn’t “just hair.”  It’s YOUR hair.  Female baldness is a very big deal.  It means something, somewhere is wrong and it reminds you of that truth every single day.

But another truth is that your beauty does not lie in your hair or lack thereof.

Your beauty is in eyes that allow us to see into your soul. 

Your beauty is in a mouth that speaks blessing. 

Your beauty is in a smile that spreads joy. 
Abi chipmunk
Peru prom prom 2 gradIf you have cancer, your beauty lies in your bald head because it means you are doing something to stay with those who love you and whom you love.  If you have alopecia, your beauty lies in your bald head because you exude confidence.

Still don’t believe me?  Then at least trust me on this one bald female…

YOU.ARE.BEAUTIFUL!

Sincerely grateful for your inspiration,

JoAnne Hancock

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Where Will You Store Christmas?

03 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

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Tags

Advent, Christmas, home, homeless, hope, obedience

Last Sunday was the first in advent.  It was the day proclaiming hope and it reminded me that a day on a calendar cannot guarantee the very emotion that day promises. It was the day we withdrew our offer on a house; the house I just knew we would be in by Christmas.  It was a day that left me hopeless…though peaceful.

It was a day on which we continued our long obedience in the same direction, something Eugene Peterson said and my boss keeps quoting.  It invades my thoughts every time he says it for I want it to be the truth of my life.
long-obedienceTwo years ago I never dreamed our earthly possessions would still be in storage.  Our great bed.  Our new couch.  My new Bible reading chair.  Our daughter’s life.  Our Christmas.  Lots and lots of Christmas.

I love Christmas.  I love the Baby, the decorating, the lights, the parties, the baking, the traditions, the giving, the HOPE.  Somewhere in the pile of pictures in storage is the sign that reads:
hopeI love HOPE enough to buy signs defining it that live on the walls of our house.

Only we don’t have a house.  Our current housing has been a true gift.  We have lived in a mobile home park in the midst of many senior adults from our church.  It’s exactly where we have needed to be for this season.  We love them and they love us.  But, because it’s a snow bird rental, we knew we needed to be out of it by years end.  No problem.  We had eight months.  We’d be out in plenty of time.  We would celebrate Christmas in our new house with all of the decorations on display that we have not seen for two years.  Our girl would pull in from college to sights of tradition, memories, gaiety.  All would be right with our world again.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Instead, we have begun the search for a rental and Christmas week will include another move.  (We have a peace about that decision.)  It’s not what I wanted Abi to come home to.  (But we have a peace about our decision.)   I just want her to come home.  And she will.
DSC_0308I’m tired and I’m weary.  They are different.  I’m ready to be in a house that reminds me of us.  I’m ready for God to show His hand.

As I’ve been working my way through all of this, God has been speaking to me about what it means to be home. 
in-the-hands-of-the-fatherIn the last couple of years, I have been reminded by many that we DO have a home; we simply don’t have a house.  And I understand the heart behind that thought and can even recognize its truth.  I’m grateful for its truth.  I love my family.

But, if you have said that to me, you don’t know me very well.  My heart has always been in my home and much of what home means to me has been reflected in our house.  It’s been my delight to make a sanctuary there for my family.  It’s been my greatest privilege to gift them with the comfort of our home.  It hasn’t been about the stuff and it still isn’t.

It’s about belonging.  It’s about rest.  It’s about comfort.  It’s about familiarity.

And that’s the reminder God gave me this week.  He simply wants ME to be all of that for HIM.

He wants to be home in me.

He wants to belong with me.  He wants to rest with me.  He wants to comfort me.  He wants to be familiar with me.

He wants my heart to be His home.  He is much more interested in decorating my heart with Himself this Christmas than He is with anything I can pull out of a box and place on the hearth.

Don’t get me wrong.  I miss the decorating.  I’ll celebrate extra big the year we have a house laden with our familiar Christmas decorations.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERADSC_0293But…for now…for this season…

God is still doing His perfect work on my heart.  My heart is His requirement of me this year.  And it will be my gift to Him.
make my heart your homeI’m at peace with that.

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An Offering Called Adoption

08 Saturday Nov 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

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Tags

Adoption, children, Foster Parenting, gift, grace, National Adoption Month, offering, selfless, siblings

Because my parents had four children in the span of five and a half years, I have really never known life without siblings.  I was number three of four and shared the middle child status with my brother Dave who is not quite two years my senior.  We did our share of fighting as kids but began our “thick as thieves” years when I was a freshman in high school; the year we shared a locker and a lunch table.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt was during the high school years when I also unknowingly shared a girlfriend with him.

Annette and meI met Annette at church camp and we quickly became friends.  Annette is one of six children who lived with their parents on a farm far from grocery stores, gas stations and youth groups.  Ours, at forty minutes each way, was the closest.  Annette had a mom who always put the needs of her children before her own needs.  And when those needs were spiritual, she was unstoppable.  So, before long, the Tilmant kids were a part of our church and youth group.
Tilmant farm 2 Tilmant farm

Mom Tilmant wouldn’t think of not returning for Sunday evening church so, most Sundays, I was at the farm for the afternoon or Annette was at our house.  Somewhere along the line when we were sharing secrets about boys, Annette’s boy secrets became about my brother Dave.  Ewww.
Dave and Annette 2
Those were the days I thought he stole my friend.  What I’ve come to realize is that their dating relationship and subsequent marriage was the best insurance I ever had for keeping Annette as my life-long friend.  Dave took my friend and gave me another sister in her place.  And I’ve been forever grateful.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOne of Annette’s goals was to have her child bearing finished by her 30th birthday.  Child #3 was born in September of Annette’s 29th year and the family was complete.  But as the years passed, there were several periods of time when she did not feel complete.  In fact, at times the family felt incomplete for Annette.  But the decision had been made and, before long, they fell into complete rhythm as a family.
Merkis without AbbyThen as Nathan, Kristen and Philip grew into their teen and college years, Dave and Annette began entertaining the idea of foster parenting.  They took the classes, had the home inspections and, before long, had their first pre-school boy to foster.  They were hooked.  The whole family was hooked.

I have never been a foster parent.  I’ve only watched THEM foster parent.  And what I have learned from watching is that if you venture into the world of fostering, you had better leave your rose colored glasses behind.

It’s work.  It’s hard work.  It’s expensive.  Sure you get a stipend, but it nowhere near covers the expenses.  It’s not something you would ever do for the money.  At least not for more than one week.  It costs time too; lots and lots of time.  Time at the kitchen table catching up on years of school work never done.  Time at offices of counselors and dentists and doctors.  Time with siblings visits.  Time helping scarred and scared children learn to sleep in a new place; time that you don’t get to sleep in your old, familiar place.  Lots and lots of time.
foster parentAs an extended family we had fun with their calling.  It meant that we had young children at our holiday tables once again.  Once more, I was looking for trucks and dolls at Christmas.  Anticipation came with their every visit.

About six years ago, Dave and Annette had one elementary age girl.  She was high maintenance.  Very high maintenance.  Soon a call came asking if they would take two more girls – sisters.  Dave and Annette said yes because it’s just who they are.  Servants.  Givers.  Generous.  Lovers of children.  Christians.  For them, it was about introducing children to Jesus.  Giving them safe shelter, warm beds, full stomachs.  It was about BEING Jesus.  Hands and feet.  Praying parents.

Generous – it’s who they have become as a couple.  It’s their trademark.  And not because they have so much money.  It’s a place in their hearts.  And that’s were generous is supposed to reside.  The rich young ruler never understood that.  The money is what made him leave sad.  Had he given the money away?  Joy.  Contentment.  Servant.  Giver.  Generous.  Dave and Annette.

One of those two sisters was named Abigail.  Until Abby, the goodbyes required in fostering were difficult but not impossible.  Abby changed that.  She brought them back around to the buried question of whether their family was complete.  The answer?  It wasn’t.  But how do you choose to adopt one sister and not the other?  You don’t.  God takes care of those details in ways only He can.
Abby and Annette abby birthday Abby trick or treatabby foster days abby ear piercing Abby horseDave and AbbySo here they were.  Beginning adoption proceedings at just the time when their friends were celebrating empty nests.  Adoption proceedings in a messy, messy, messy system.  And that’s on a good day!  Adopting a fourteen year old girl – the exact age and gender that may most often be the answer to the question, “What do you think is the most difficult child to parent?”  Adopting when they themselves were becoming grandparents.
Abby dedication adoption day
And they did it with joy.  Pure joy with everyone in the family on board.  The love was (and is) undeniable.  Complete love both ways; them for Abby and Abby for them.

How?

Offering.  It became their offering.   Their gift.  Their grace.  And it was a gift Abby chose to receive.
givingThe best part is we all love Abby.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews.  In her own charming way, she has completed us all.

It was God’s good plan for Abigail.  An Abigail for whom God had a plan before she even came to be.  An Abigail who even looks like her sister Kristen.
Kristen and AbbyAn Abigail who has painted a beautiful picture for our family of what adoption looks like.  Adoption.  God’s idea for us from the beginning of time.  For each one of us.  His good plan for you.  And for me.
Abby parent Dave Merki siblings


adoption 2


adoption

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The Gift I Did Give My Daughter…

26 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

empty nest, missions, obedience, parenting

My last post spilled out the gift called balance that I failed to give my daughter.  If I could change that I would.  She’s eighteen.  It’s too late.  My regret has been established.  Her forgiveness has been complete.
giftsHowever, there are some gifts her wonderful dad and I did give her.  They were hard gifts to give.  She never asked for them.  They didn’t make her popular.  Truth is, they didn’t make us popular either.  We couldn’t be her BFF and give her these gifts.  But we also knew that our vision for her future would never come to fruition without the consistent administering of these gifts.

One of those gifts was obedience for we knew, without it, our daughter would never find true success and fulfillment in life.  And we knew she would never find Jesus without obedience either.  So we had no choice but to embark on the long, arduous journey of teaching obedience.  For, if we erased her chances of finding Jesus, no other parenting successes or failures would have mattered.  The ultimate choice was hers but it was our responsibility to consistently introduce her to Him and to do so without hypocrisy.

So how do we teach obedience?  By modeling it.  By being obedient ourselves. By being vulnerable and honest with our children.

I know, I know.  Abi could not grasp that concept as a toddler and young girl.  So our best alternative was in routinely letting her know that disobedience has consequences. Consequences stink…for the child and for the parent.  But they are unavoidable where disobedience reigns.  The consequences of “young child disobedience” are nearly insignificant compared to the life altering consequences of adult disobedience. Therefore, she had to learn while it didn’t hurt as badly.
parentingAs she grew older, we knew Abi was measuring our expectation of her obedience against our own willingness to obey.  She was right to do so for expecting obedience when we ourselves are not willing to obey is a sham.  Teenagers know that.  They aren’t stupid.

Abi’s greatest front seat view of obedience-in-action was when her dad resigned his job in 2013.  It was politically incorrect.  In the eyes of some, it put a stain on his career. It was misunderstood.  For a few it was a victory dance; the details of which we could likely never divulge.  There were even family members who questioned.  To this day it remains our greatest life wound.  And our greatest teacher.

But it was “Jesus obedience” and our girl knew it.  She had been taught to trust and to recognize truth so when her dad told her “If I stay one more day, I will be walking in disobedience” she knew from experience that she had a dad for whom disobedience was not an option.
hard obedienceJesus obedience.  The hardest kind no matter what your age.  Outside of the “thou shalt nots,” it’s misunderstood obedience and thought crazy by on-lookers. Often, it’s even thought crazy by the one doing the obeying.  But, if you really know Jesus, you likely also know Jesus obedience.  It requires immediate action.

And here’s where I am in some difficulty over the gift we gave our daughter.  She has chosen to learn the lesson and is practicing obedience.  Jesus obedience.  Obedience that may take her around the world.  Not just mission trips, rather mission life.  Africa. South America.  China.  Inner-city America.
povertyI know there are lost people in million dollar homes and at the Country Club around the corner.  She says Jesus isn’t calling her there.
mansionNow, the gift we gave her requires boomerang obedience on my part.  My husband’s got this one.  Me?  Most days are good.  Some days I struggle with celebrating the gifts we DID give as much as I regret the ones we did not give.

But this I know.  Jesus loves her more than I.  My job was to parent.  I chose a great man to co-chair that assignment.

God’s word instructs us to obey.  We taught that.  We modeled that when it was harder than hard.  Now we trust.  It’s our gift to beautiful, wonderful, obedient her and, ultimately, our gift to God.

obedience

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The Gift I Never Gave My Daughter…

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

balance, forgiveness, healthy self image, mother/daughter, regret

For a while now it’s been on my heart to write this in hopes that it may keep you from making the same mistake I made.  This is a hard one to write because it requires deep vulnerability and exposes my greatest regret.  But if it helps one person it will have been worth welcoming you inside my front door.  From there I will fix you a cup of coffee and ask you to join me at the kitchen table.  And we’ll talk.  And I’ll likely cry.
coffeeI feel like I’m about to give a good spanking because “this will hurt me more than it will hurt you” rings true right now, but it’s really for your good if you will let it be.  So let’s get on with it.

I was blessed 18 years ago with this incredibly beautiful tiny baby girl.  She came into the world a little early, perfectly formed and weighing little more than a bag of flour.  I had done all I could to care for her during the six months I was aware she was growing to completion in me.  I ate right.  I slept right.  I talked to her.  I sang to her.  I dreamed dreams for her.  I loved her.

And then I birthed her.
scan0016Her debut became one of the best days of my life.  Some people tell me that we should only have birthday parties for our children for a season and then we should quit because we run the risk of spoiling them.

My question for that line of thinking is, “Why would I quit celebrating God’s greatest gift to me?”

So I haven’t.  We celebrate big at birthday time and it’s right for us.  I have never regretted our annual celebrations.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
DSCN1295
144There are, however, some things I regret deeply.  One of those is the fact that, in spite of giving Abi life and endless love, I failed to give her balance.  Eighteen years later there are no do overs.

I used to be very content with my Martha nature.  I even liked it.  I defended it.  I got a lot done, worked within a schedule, knew mostly what to expect for my tomorrows and dealt well with the pressure I placed on myself.  It worked for me.

Until, as a mom, I relentlessly projected my Martha nature onto my Mary natured daughter.  And I was too blinded by my own drive to even recognize the damage I was doing.  Or at least I liked to believe I couldn’t see the damage.  The truth is, at times, I could see and I hated myself for it.

Both sides of Abi’s family are blessed with incredible people who have had lifelong struggles with their weight.  I watched with sadness as those family members dealt with their own disappointment and the health issues which resulted from excess weight.  Long ago, it put a spirit of fear in me.  And I became determined that Abi would not join their battle.

It became a mission of sorts – a mission to save a precious young girl and teenager that neither wanted nor needed to be saved…except from me.

My intentions were pure and my love for her never wavered but my methods were messed up.  I took away balance in favor of control.  Rather than “you shouldn’t” and “you can’t”, I should have been teaching her balance.  Balance.  The balance that admits there are simply some days when an extra scoop of ice cream or another hand full of M&M’s is exactly what some great life moments are made of.  Balance.  The balance that teaches there are days when you need more sleep long before you need one more minute of exercise.  Balance.  The balance that blesses normal, healthy women over the unhealthy, stick thin models portrayed in every magazine, TV show and movie she will ever see.  Balance.  The balance that models healthy eating over starvation diets and cleanses.  Balance.  The balance that says, “You are safe with me, no matter what the media and stupid boys at school tell you.”  Balance.  The balance where this mom instills security rather than reacting out of her own insecurities.  Balance.  The balance that every Mary needs and every Martha denies.
balanceSo there you have it.  Vulnerability brought to you compliments of your internet service.  My personal business become your personal warning.  Heed the warning.  Reprogram your own sick brain.  Bite your tongue.  Love your daughter for exactly who she is and not for your wrong standard of who she ought to be.

I’ve apologized to my daughter.  Several times over several years.  It’s what I’m left with because I can never take back the wrong things I’ve done in this area of balance.  And because she is an incredible picture of God’s love and grace, she has forgiven me every time I have apologized.  She has even lectured me about forgiving myself.  You’ve gotta love that.
forgivenessI’ve also asked God to forgive me and to mend her whole in those places I unintentionally caused damage.  It’s part of the process.

So, if you are the mom of a young daughter, please learn from me.  Celebrate the gift God gave you.  Give her the gift of balance every day.

If your daughter is grown and you failed the balance lesson with me, ask her to forgive you.  Then take her out for ice cream or join a Zumba class with her.  There is balance in both.  Don’t miss it!
color run
cruise

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Paul Merki – King of Hearts

25 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by JoAnne Hancock in We Are Our Stories

≈ 2 Comments

There are a few old writings that I just have to make a part of my official blog site.  Today I want to honor my dad, Paul Merki.  I shared the following at his funeral nearly 22 months ago.  It’s just a story but his story is a huge part of my story.

If I were to give my thoughts a title, the title would be “Paul Merki, the king of hearts.”  Now, if dad were here I would already be hearing an “Oh JoAnne” but since that never stopped me before, I don’t think I will let it affect me today.

king of hearts
Paul Merki had a heart for his childhood family.  When he was only 11 yrs of age and the oldest of three boys, his father was killed in a tragic accident.  That event changed the course of my dad’s life and was likely the cause of his sensitive heart and his serious nature.  While still a kid himself, he took on the role of “man of the house” as he cared for his mother and brothers.  My siblings and I watched him love and nurture his brothers Bob and Bill for as long as his mind was healthy enough to do so.

Paul Merki had a heart for his nearly life-long love.  He met Mary Ellen Williams when he was 16 and she was 14.  Following a 7 year courtship, he married the woman he loved on August 22, 1953.  Despite the well-known eye rolls accompanied by frequent “Oh Mary Ellens”; everyone who was ever around dad, knew that he loved mom completely.  To tell his story without mentioning her often would only serve to tell half of his story.  They were a team and everyone knew it.  In 1995, I was in Baltimore trying to be of some help following dad’s cancer surgery, when “life tumbled in on him” as he called it.  As I sat at the breakfast table with him and Uncle Bob, we got to talking about his love for mom…a woman who had overcome a difficult childhood herself.  Dad said to me, “I think I made your mom’s life better.  At least I always did my best.”  And he did.  I was about 8-10 years old when I came home from school one day to find mom playing a beautiful brand new Yamaha piano.  My eyes got wide as I asked “Where did you get that?”  Her reply was “Your dad bought it for me.”  At about the same time my eyes landed on a brand new camera.  “And where did you get THAT?”  “Your dad bought it for me.”  It wasn’t Christmas.  It wasn’t her birthday.  And I’m pretty sure there was no powerball involved.  He simply loved mom and made it a life goal to make her life better.

scan0008

Paul Merki was a man with a heart for his children.  Mom and dad lost their first child – a girl, Ruth Elizabeth, who was born full term and still.  I heard my dad on several occasions speak of the devastation of that event in their lives.  Mom did not get pregnant again quick enough to suit herself and she was lamenting about it to dad one day as they were riding along in the car.  Poor dad never did live down his response to her disappointment…”Well Mary Ellen, I don’t know what you want ME to do about that.”  Apparently, he got it figured out because along came four of us between 1957 and 1963.  We were wanted and we were loved.  Dad made sure we went on family vacations to places I now know they probably couldn’t afford.  He took Steve and Dave bowling after school every Monday.  He took the boys to professional ball games and even insisted that Debbie and I experience at least one game of each sport with them.  He loved Christmas and became our first and best Santa – except for that one Christmas when mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and we got up to find cash and Bibles under the tree.  Maybe Steve thought that was the best Christmas ever but I couldn’t wait for mom to get home.  Dad (and mom) made sure we all got an education at a Christian college; something that was way more than just an education.  Dad (and mom) changed our family tree and I am grateful.

Paul Merki was a man with a heart for his grandchildren.  He delighted in their brains and their beauty and their humor and was always so proud of their accomplishments which have been many.  He was a great-granddad to Benji – something he never really grasped but something he would have loved.  He also would have loved knowing that a second Abby came to him through adoption.

Paul Merki was a man with a heart for his calling.  Mom said this week that she thought dad was called to preach before he was even saved.  I don’t really know how that works but, if it was true of anyone, it was true of dad.  He absolutely loved people…no matter who they were or what they looked like or how they smelled.  He just loved them – and they knew it!  I used to think dad was very black and white in his thinking.  After he retired and moved to Mount Vernon, I saw a different side of him.  I came to see his eyes of grace and listened as he extended that grace to many.  Dave told me that he remembers dad keeping an ash tray in the laundry room in Garfield Heights just in case someone who smoked came in for counseling.  What dad cared about most were souls.  It really mattered to him if the people he would give an accounting for were spiritually sound.  Dad was the unusual blend of preacher and pastor…he did both really well.  Any who were privileged to call him “pastor” will always remember personal wedding ceremonies, funerals and baby dedications.  He had the gift of the pen.  They will also remember sacred and meaningful “Christmas Eve Candlelight Communion at Eight” services.  They will also remember eating many meals (usually at our house) with the parsonage family.  We have received many beautiful notes this week.  This one from Chawn Flemming could be spoken by many of you:  “Last night as Scott and I were talking about your dad and your family he was reminiscing about all the Sunday meals at your house (roast, homemade bread, creamy coleslaw) and how your dad would laugh at the antics even when he didn’t want to sometimes (oh Dave…MaryEllen…) – Scott was always welcomed as a member of the family (even if he wasn’t invited:) I have a heavenly picture of Barbara & Paul (Nannie too:) getting ready & preparing the Sunday meal for the rest of us – complete with a freezer full of chocolate chip cookies.”  And that is who my parents were together.  Open home, open table…welcome even if you weren’t formally invited.  Now, I will say this….if I find dad working in the kitchen in heaven, I will probably faint.

Finally, Paul Merki, my dad, was a man after God’s own heart.  He lived what he preached.  I saw him read his Bible often even when he wasn’t at church.  And I heard him pray often – in our living room kneeling at the ugly plaid chair, at the breakfast table where he made sure we memorized scripture before heading out to school and in church where everyone expected him to pray.  And pray he could.  As teens, we would get our watches synchronized in order to see just how long he would pray.  But as I grew up I knew heaven came to earth when dad prayed.

praying hands

If I ever doubted that dad was truly a man after God’s own heart, he dispelled all doubt a couple of years ago.  Social services would routinely come to dad in the nursing home and administer “memory tests.”  They were never fun to witness and became increasingly painful as his memory faded.  I believe the one I am referencing was the last memory test dad was given and it was administered by dad’s loving nurse Cathy.   “What day is it Paul?”  Nothing.  “What season is it Paul?”  Nothing.  “What date did you get married?”  Nothing. “Ok Paul, here is a pencil and paper.  Try to write a sentence, anything.”  And we waited.  And we watched.  And we waited….   And then the pencil went to the paper and perhaps the greatest testimony ever written by my dad is somewhere in a social worker’s file.  “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.”  And in one sentence, dad’s foggy mind displayed the core of who he was.  Ok, so maybe he wasn’t the King of Hearts…but he knew the King of Hearts personally and I have no doubt that he is finally with him today.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

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